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Saturday, March 12, 2011

Missing Our Little Lime Baby



Nobody knew you” Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn’t have been very far along.”…existed.

Nobody knew you” It’s not as though you lost an actual person.”…were real

Nobody knew you” Well it probably wasn’t a viable fetus.It’s all for the best.”…were perfect.

Nobody knew you” You can always have another!”…were unique.

Nobody knew you” You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!”…were loved for yourself.

Nobody knew you…but us.

And we will always remember…You.

By Jan Cosby


March 12th, 2011.  Due date for our little lime baby, baby #3, who we let go at 11 weeks.

From the minute I found out I was pregnant, a million things were racing through my mind.  We live in a three bedroom house, how was that going to work out?  We'd have to fit three across, so three brand new car seats, or a new vehicle.  I would be going through this pregnancy sort of with my Sister-in-law, who was due a month before. My 'significant other' and I aren't in the best relationship, what's this little bean going to do to that?  How would my crabby, clingy but lovey two-year-old deal with a new baby?  I couldn't wait to see my 4-year-old become a big Brother, again.  I had just moved in to the new studio, how would having a baby during the slow season effect my ability to cover the studio rent?  Would I have to put any of my kids in daycare now?  All these things and a million more were running through my head.  Daily, hourly, every minute....

Then, it started.  Something that could mean nothing, but could also mean the end.  For me, it was the end.  I found great support and comfort through all the love that was showered over me on Facebook.  Sounds cheesy, but Facebook can be a strong and powerful thing.  After the numbers were in, and I was in fact loosing the baby, I continued to go through 'it', for what seemed like a long time.  Of course, with 'it' going on, it is a constant reminder of what you had, but then lost so suddenly.  I seemed okay.  I felt okay.  I was sure I was okay and I didn't have any other feelings than just 'okay'.

However, I'm not just 'okay'.  I think about my little lime baby every day.  (Reference to 'lime' because that was the supposed size of the baby at about 11 weeks)  I'm not sure if I think about the lime out of sadness or longing or joy or remorse or remembrance.  I don't think I will ever not remember, and I hope that is true.

To 'celebrate' the missed birth of baby #3, I wanted to go out for some photos with my little ones, but that is always so hard to coordinate, so I just swept them up, grabbed some balloons, and tried to snap a few.  Of course, my Daughter is a rotten stinker, so we didn't get very many smiley ones, but I did get the one above, which I sort of fell in love with.  I plan to print this and hang this, BIG. (and I did order it, a 18x24)

In remembrance of our little lime baby, I will never forget you and hope to meet you one day.



7 comments:

Lisa Sat Mar 12, 08:15:00 AM  

Wow Meg...time flies. I won't ever understand the feelings that you had or are having. I do know that having 2 beautiful children nagging you, loving you and being your rock will hopefully make it a little better as the days go on. ((Hugs))

Wilma Sat Mar 12, 09:22:00 AM  

That photo is beautiful Meghan. It's a beautiful tribute to the little one you never got to hold in your arms.

Your lime baby wasn't just in your womb, but also in your heart. Isn't it funny how that happens, despite anything else?

Mandy L. Sat Mar 12, 02:59:00 PM  

((HUGS)), mama. I think your tribute is beautiful.

Faulkner Photography Sat Mar 12, 05:10:00 PM  

I am so sorry for your loss! I lost my first one and I kno how you feel

Digital Expressions Photography Sat Mar 12, 10:02:00 PM  

I was thinking that the date was coming up soon. I had a friend go through the same thing about the same time. It doesn't seem easy. Sorry you never got to meet the little lime.

Rogan's Photography Sun Mar 13, 06:21:00 AM  

Oh Meghan, my heart breaks for you. I too know this feeling and I only wish I had thought to do something like this as a rememberance. That poem at the top is so true. I didn't even want to talk to people during that time b/c I hated hearing those very things. And to top it off, both of Kyle's cousins had babies within a week of OUR DUE DATE! I understand your pain, your sorrow, your numbness and I think it's all normal. I'm sure that you'll meet your little lime someday and I'll meet our little shrimp. (That's what the the ultrasound looked like)((Hugs)) to you!!!

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