Missing Our Little Lime Baby

Nobody knew you” Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn’t have been very far along.”…existed.

Nobody knew you” It’s not as though you lost an actual person.”…were real

Nobody knew you” Well it probably wasn’t a viable fetus.It’s all for the best.”…were perfect.

Nobody knew you” You can always have another!”…were unique.

Nobody knew you” You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!”…were loved for yourself.

Nobody knew you…but us.

And we will always remember…You.

By Jan Cosby

March 12th, 2011.  Due date for our little lime baby, baby #3, who we let go at 11 weeks.

From the minute I found out I was pregnant, a million things were racing through my mind.  We live in a three bedroom house, how was that going to work out?  We'd have to fit three across, so three brand new car seats, or a new vehicle.  I would be going through this pregnancy sort of with my Sister-in-law, who was due a month before. My 'significant other' and I aren't in the best relationship, what's this little bean going to do to that?  How would my crabby, clingy but lovey two-year-old deal with a new baby?  I couldn't wait to see my 4-year-old become a big Brother, again.  I had just moved in to the new studio, how would having a baby during the slow season effect my ability to cover the studio rent?  Would I have to put any of my kids in daycare now?  All these things and a million more were running through my head.  Daily, hourly, every minute....

Then, it started.  Something that could mean nothing, but could also mean the end.  For me, it was the end.  I found great support and comfort through all the love that was showered over me on Facebook.  Sounds cheesy, but Facebook can be a strong and powerful thing.  After the numbers were in, and I was in fact loosing the baby, I continued to go through 'it', for what seemed like a long time.  Of course, with 'it' going on, it is a constant reminder of what you had, but then lost so suddenly.  I seemed okay.  I felt okay.  I was sure I was okay and I didn't have any other feelings than just 'okay'.

However, I'm not just 'okay'.  I think about my little lime baby every day.  (Reference to 'lime' because that was the supposed size of the baby at about 11 weeks)  I'm not sure if I think about the lime out of sadness or longing or joy or remorse or remembrance.  I don't think I will ever not remember, and I hope that is true.

To 'celebrate' the missed birth of baby #3, I wanted to go out for some photos with my little ones, but that is always so hard to coordinate, so I just swept them up, grabbed some balloons, and tried to snap a few.  Of course, my Daughter is a rotten stinker, so we didn't get very many smiley ones, but I did get the one above, which I sort of fell in love with.  I plan to print this and hang this, BIG. (and I did order it, a 18x24)

In remembrance of our little lime baby, I will never forget you and hope to meet you one day.